Iced Borscht

Recently, while digging through the site archives, I realized I never got around to commenting on Henry Rollins and his dumb, easy “Letter to Ann Coulter” gag from a few months ago. Greg Gutfeld at RED EYE did a fine job ripping it apart back in January, but I kind of regret not weighing in on the brouhaha. And when an online acquaintance/friend at Denver Syntax produced a piece critical of Rollins’ VANITY FAIR scribblings, I felt it was definitely time to distribute my unsolicited opinion on all things Henry. Away we go.

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Henry Rollins of the 1980s and 1990s, where did you go?

Your shtick was funny back then. All the “I know pain!!! Nobody knows pain like I know pain!!!” stuff was good. Stupid too, but stupid like a fox.

That was a long time ago, though. The fun is gone. The contemplative Henry of today causes hip transgressive chicks to chirp out such unintentional non-sequiturs as “I really like his poetry; he’s a complex man,” or “He makes me think about hard truths; I like that. Plus, he had a good friend die and wasn’t afraid to talk about the hurt.”

Whatever, impressionable indie chick. Where you heard complexity, I heard unoriginal drivel, such as:

…HENRY’S LATEST BLOG ENTRY…

“Don’t Drown in a World of Shit; Figure it Out”

by Henry Rollins, Gallows-Humor Prison Guard from LOST HIGHWAY

“Today I was leafing through the memoirs of political prisoner Mumia Abu-Jamal, and tears of rage began streaming down my face. As I turned each tear-stained page, I realized that I had to help. I had to do something. But what?

“I called J-Bee. He’d know what to do. And the two of us determined a good movie would chill us out. So we went to see BRUNO. Man! I haven’t laughed so hard since BORAT! Sacha Baron Cohen is genius! He, like, ambushes these homophobic retards and tells dick jokes and stuff! Too funny!

“After the movie, J-Bee and I knew it was time to talk, so we went to the local anarchist bistro. I ordered toast with Black Pride Marmalade and J-Bee had tofu wiener winks with Fight the Power Farmer’s Cheese. Place is fucking awesome. The perfect war room for two underground shit-starters; Bad Brains playing on the jukebox; some transgender dude doing interpretive dance! (Yeah — I know! WTF? )

“And finally J-Bee and I got down to the real shit. The terrible truths. Talking about how to make this fucked-up world a better place. And we weren’t going to do it in that faggy way Bono does. Fuck that hippie crap. J-Bee and I were going to rock this boat in new, untold ways. Yeah, we’re lost at sea, we decided, but we’re not drowning! We’re not!

“I started thinking about that right-wing bitch, Ann Coulter. Fucking chick is all ‘Lower my taxes, Barack Hussein Obama! Protect me from the ragheads! 9-11!’ Jesus! Enough! FUCK OFF! Aryan Barbie bitch wouldn’t know a good time if it goosed her. Stay classy, Ann!!! Bitch.

“It was unreal. The anguish was fucking with me, so I got to riffing on Bad Brains again. And I remembered that they were the greatest band I’d ever seen. Better than Jane’s Addiction, and fuck, that’s saying something. But I went to their MySpace page and…Rupert Murdoch, go back to Australia and take your impererialistic milkshakes with you, you kangaroo-fucking criminal.

“It’s sad, because whenever I venture into this kind of intellectual territory, I get a little depressed. So I called Bill Maher and he invited me and J-Bee to the Playboy Mansion to lift our spirits. Fucking place rocks. Hef is a smooth motherfucker. But Hef doesn’t exploit women like those faggots on FOX News do. FOX News wouldn’t know how to Take Back the Night if the night spotted ‘em five bearded lesbians and 10 dead hookers.

“Glenn Beck, SHUT UP!!! JUST SHUT UP!!!!! RACIST FUCK!!!!!

“Jesus, FOX News. All this drama in my head made me think about the good times; like lifting weights with the guys from Ween when we did that mini-tour together in Canada. WEEN ROCKS. Crazy, funny motherfuckers. Canada is a cool place; I don’t have Ronald McReagan or the Bush Crime Family holding a gun to my head there, no Walmart marginalizing me…chafing me. Fuck that corporate muzak. I want the genuine cha-cha-cha; the original motion-picture soundtrack. FUCK HANNITY AND ALL THE RIGHT-WING BLOGS!!!! Cocksuckers!!!!

“Seriously, though, I don’t mean to sound like some know-it-all asshole. I just wanted to get this stuff out, this…this fucking bullshit…even though it’s kind of private and personal. I’m crying right now. Fucking crying. Thanks everyone for listening, and try not to drown in this world of shit, all of this Motley Crue heavy-metal faggot rock and Rush Limbaugh paint-by-numbers bullshit. FIGURE IT OUT.”

Love,
Henry

All proceeds from this post go to Henry’s favorite social foundation, the Southern Poverty Law Center.