Ever notice all the nudity on Wikipedia?
I’ve procured some examples, noted below. (NSFW)
- From THE 8-ARMED ICE-CREAM MAN OF MNEME:
“His digits were shimmering vestiges of a spiral galaxy. Every appendage was filled with delightful flavors, each guaranteed to satisfy…”
“Her clenched, webbed fist made for an excellent proxy.”
- From THE WELL-HUNG WHITE DWARF:
“I felt as though I was standing on the veranda of a vast cosmos as I unleashed my essence into her love purse.”
“I marveled at the tantalizing array of bills, beaks, scutes, pectorals…and breasts…”
- From STICKING COEFFICIENTS:
“A sharp distinction between human lovers and alien lovers is essential if we are to bend them to our will, make them work for us, wear them, eat them — without any disquieting tinges of guilt or regret.”
- From PANSTELLAR PECKERWOOD:
“Her supple lips met mine. Soon, our coupling began beneath a small altocumulus cloud. I knew then that she was the perfect Moon Creature for me.”
- From FOUR-VECTOR FEATHERWOODS:
“Her ample backdoor provided all the airlock pressure we would need. Soon, sexual congress commenced.”
- From SEDUCTION IN THE SUBDUCTION ZONES:
“She fondled the large emplacement of basalt rock. When he eventually loosened her from the restrictive iguana harness, she cooed amorously…”
- From LONGITUDINAL ENGINES:
“The biblical God is usually a sloppy manufacturer. But he outdid himself with Ginny. She was a busty, big-diesel masterpiece whom I loved to read poetry to.”
- From KEPLERIAN CRANKSHAFT:
“He dipped his hardened magma plug into her rock pool. Together, they could feel the Earth’s crust buckle.”
“Some nights we were two sworn enemies standing waist-deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five. And then…out of nowhere…some force would propel us… into each others’ pinch machine…”
- From BETA-DECAY KAY:
“Kay radiated magic, poetry and…lust. I enjoyed nuzzling her Pale Blue Dot.
- From PLUTONIAN PLEASURE SQUAD:
“Her buttocks trembled in a lyrical way…this singular beauty made me pine for the satisfying hues of Sigma Orionis.”
- From CELESTIAL POLES:
“He pried open her fleshy portal with the throbbing anticipation of a Wolf-Rayet star.”
“Geologically we were in the most active body of the Uranian system. Thus, Rick’s thickening, hardening and elongating served as gripping metaphor.”
- From LOVE BUDDIES OF URANUS:
“ ‘I always prayed that somebody would stuff my chute,’ said Rick while preparing to leap from the sky cruiser. ‘And thanks to Todd, that prayer has been answered.’
- From LOVE BUFFET ON MARS:
“Our union, so full of culinary delights, made us feel like carnal gladiators, yes, but also like world-champion gurgitators.”
- From DOUBLE-CLUSTER DUVETS:
“I felt as though I were a cosmic quilt-maker…the rich tapestry of intricate, interwoven ecstasy nearly left me for dead…”
- From THE SEXUAL SAFARIS OF SEDNA:
“Reality died screaming when Todd removed the accommodator mask from the tentacled beast.”
- From FINE DINING ON DEIMOS (co-written with Ray Kroc):
“Todd was a griddle man through and through, so cooking up a thick, rich stew of carnal flavors was no challenge for him. Doing it in zero gravity, however, was the tricky part.”
Sagan Valentine by Ironic Sans
AMOROUS EPHEMERA
- A dog named Sex
- Emotional Pornography
- I came, I saw, I brought pictures of Brett Favre’s diddle-stick (Bonus Favre-penis coverage is available from the one and only Ricky Sprague here)
- Muhammad: Sex Life of the Prophet
- Pornistan
- The Unfortunate Sex Life of the Banana
AURAL LIFE
- Frank Zappa’s congressional testimony re: the PMRC — now on CD
- Microtonal music is “”music using microtones—intervals of less than an equally spaced semitone. Microtonal music can also refer to music which uses intervals not found in the Western system of 12 equal intervals to the octave…“
- Satan’s Violin Lesson
- Spectral Music “is a musical composition practice where compositional decisions are often informed by the analysis of sound spectra. Computer based sound spectrum analysis using a Fast Fourier transform is one of the more common methods used in generating descriptive data. Using FFT analysis, features of a particular sound spectrum can be visualized using a spectrogram. Spectral composition focuses, then, on bringing out these features, interconnecting them, and transforming them.”
- Tipper Gore and the danger of anal vapors
BACK HOME ON THE FARM
BIG MONEY
- The New York Times knows nothing about “the rule of law”
- Gail Collins in the New York Times back in April: “Paying a lot of taxes should be a badge of honor. It proves you made it into the league of big money-makers, not to mention the fact that you’re supporting the upkeep of the Grand Canyon. If the I.R.S. had been doing its marketing properly, little kids would dream of growing up to become really big taxpayers.” Umm…is Gail retarded, or simply another journalist with horrible observational skills? Her last sentence reeks of out-of-touch, imbecilic clod. (Gail — please come visit Portland, Oregon. EVERY person under 40 here acts as though being governed and paying an exorbitant amount of taxes is awesome.)
COSMONAUTICA
- Daniel Kalder on Yuri Luzhkov: Better a Thief Than a Drinker of Blood
- New Russian crime groups playing by dangerous rules
- Odessa Twister shenanigans
- The Death Star of Minsk
DEEP-FRIED DYSTOPIA
- Black Tea Party activist states his case
- Glenn Beck and Jon Stewart are after the same rainbow’s end, my huckleberry friend
- “Even if I am crushed into powder, I will embrace you with the ashes….”
- Solving the Mystery of the Benevolent Autocrat
- The extreme politicians of South Carolina
- The Left’s Unlikely Alliance with Islam
- The new al-Qaeda mission statement: tone down all the apocalyptic cha cha cha and focus on street fights
- Which Central Asian “Stan” will blow up next? (Very sensitive headline by the Guardian, no?)
DIVINE ILLUMINATION ON DEMAND
- 36 Arguments for the Existence of God
- Is God dead, or simply bored with us?
- John of God — FAITH HEALER!
- Lithuania’s Hill of Crosses
- Natalie Angier: My God Problem
- Neurosurgical Patients Get Closer to God
- Sam Harris: There is No God, and You Know It
DWELLING ON THE THRESHOLD
GURGITATE TO EMANCIPATE
- Food — the Silent Tsunami
- Jackie B talks about forming a relationship with your food (speaking personally, I’ve gotten quite intimate — on a spiritual level — with loaves and hams)
- Rats as food: the pinnacle of culinary achievement
- The 30 Saltiest Foods in America
LOVE: A MANY-LAYERED QUILT
- Fractal Love
- Japanese Love Machines
- Love bugs and the hubris of genetic research!
- The Mathematics of Love
- The Museum of Broken Relationships “grew from a traveling exhibition revolving around the concept of failed relationships and their ruins. Unlike ‘destructive’ self-help instructions for recovery from failed loves, the Museum offers a chance to overcome an emotional collapse through creation: by contributing to the Museum’s collection.”
MOVING PICTURES
- Is it just me, or does Karin Longworth’s Village Voice review of Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood come off as snooty, ignorant and arrogant? An excerpt (BTW, I implore you to imagine Longworth’s words as spoken in an upper crust, Cape Cod/equestrian debutante voice): “…this Robin Hood preaches about ‘liberty’ and the rights of the individual as he wanders a countryside populated chiefly by Englishpersons bled dry by government greed.” Ha ha, indeed Ms. Longworth, indeed! How primitive and unsophisticated for one to value individual liberty. The untamed, teeming and savage middle class requires taxation and governance, ASAP. Any lunkhead can see that! Pip ho, equestriettes!
- Sly Stallone’s porn film
OREGONIAN PERMUTATIONS
- Has Oregon caught California’s disease?
- The ghouls who terrified a young girl in Troutdale in May received fluffy, light bullshit sentences on Friday (BONUS BITTERNESS: I posit that these felons are the same pieces of dog-shit that burglarized my own home 30 minutes earlier that same May day, though the Troutdale and Portland police don’t really seem to give a shit). And a quick note to the incarcerated cum-stains — in the future, I’ll be watching your “careers” with much interest. I’ve got my Google alerts readied for all three of you. Got that, Mr. Colindres-Munoz — ye of the Fake Door-to-Door Salesman bit? I remember your rodent face quite well — satellite dishes, wasn’t that your shtick?)
TRANSGRESSIVE GRAMMAR & UNMITIGATED VERBOSITY
VOID WANDERING
- A LIST OF SECRET-POWER SITES IN THE UNITED STATES
- Island of the Dolls: Mexico’s Creepiest Tourist Attraction
- Swirling Vortex of Doom
- The Nine Hells of Beppu
Amorous Ephemera
Animalia
- 10 questions about chickens
- How many species did you eat for dinner tonight?
- The health benefits of cockroaches
Big Athletica
Cosmonautica
- A black guy gets elected to public office in Russia
- Long-lost sailor’s log found: “…a journal — dated to May 1913 [was] found this summer on the icy shores of Franz Josef Land, Europe’s northernmost landmass.”
- Russia’s most powerful warship returns home
Deep-Fried Dystopia
- A spider-monkey named W.C. Fields is on the lam in the San Antonio metro area
- “Beware of greens bearing gifts“
- Gerard Alexander: “The old conservatism-as-racism story has outlived all usefulness and accuracy. November might be a good time to start a rethink“
- Is the Tea Party like a starfish?
- Muslim Girls Training is the Nation of Islam’s chick equivalent of the Fruit of Islam
